Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews

Whatever you’re shopping for, Amazon is a trustworthy source filled with plenty of options, some more ridiculous than others. There are pages and pages of customer reviews at our full disposal to help us make educated purchases. Some items sold on Amazon are so obscure, however, they deserve an ironically funny review. From steering wheel desks to Nicholas Cage pillowcases, the sarcasm level in some reviews is nothing short of hilarious. Let’s take a look at the best of the worst heavily sarcastic Amazon reviews!

1. David Hasselhoff CD

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews david hasselhoff
amazon.com
This David is a GOLIATH, May 1, 2013

When “Knight Rider” and “Bay Watch” ended, I felt a distinct void in my life. Without Hasselfhoff’s bouncing pecs gracing my television, life simply felt drab and unfulfilling.

Imagine my delight when I discovered that Hasselhoff had not disappeared at all, but rather REEMERGED, this time as a serious force in music. It reminded me of when Leonard Nimoy had recorded his stirring tribute to Tolkien, “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.” It was that moving and momentous for me.

Honestly, few Americans truly appreciate how Hasselhoff singularly reshaped the entire landscape of German music. Auf wiedersehen, Amadeus. Hasselhoff ist hier!

I particularly recommend the track “Do the Limbo Dance” but am giving the album just four stars because I’m a bit disappointed that he didn’t stick with the original German version, “Tanzen Limbo, Ya!”

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2.  Accoutrements Horse Head Mask (Toy)

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews horse mask
amazon.com
My Transformation is Complete, December 3, 2012
It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place… But we will be ready
Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews horse mask
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3. BiC For Her Medium Ballpoint Pen – Black, Box of 12

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews bic for her
amazon.com
Great product!, September 3, 2012
This review is from: BiC For Her Medium Ballpoint Pen – Black, Box of 12 (Office Product)
My husband has never allowed me to write, as he doesn’t want me touching mens pens. However when I saw this product, I decided to buy it (using my pocket money) and so far it has been fabulous! Once I had learnt to write, the feminine colour and the grip size (which was more suited to my delicate little hands) has enabled me to vent thoughts about new recipe ideas, sewing and gardening. My husband is less pleased with this product as he believes it will lead to more independence and he hates the feminine tingling sensation (along with the visions of fairies and rainbows) he gets whenever he picks it up.
Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews mean girls suck on that
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4. Sugar-Free Haribo Gummi bears –

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews haribo gummi bears
amazon.com
Just don’t. Unless it’s a gift for someone you hate., October 3, 2012

Oh man…words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear “Cleanse”. If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety…I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can’t imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don’t post a video review during the aftershocks.

PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I’m not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I’m a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I’ve been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews funny meme gummi bears
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5. Uranium Ore

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews uranium ore
amazon.com
It was amazing. Then my Mom came home and looked at …,  July 25, 2014
When I bought this for $38.00 from the local drug dealer in my backyard, it was worth it. I opened the jar and looked at the contents. There were two disintegrating rats and a chipped tooth. Below was the Uranium Ore. I put it in my bathtub before I went in, and let it mix in with the water. Then I went in. I started growing wings and hallucinating the whole movie “Space Jam”. It was amazing. Then my Mom came home and looked at me strangely. I had Spiderman on speed-dial, so I called him. Then, we had a few beers and I woke up in the morning in a junkyard in Malaysia. Crazy night, would recommend buying.
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6. Fresh Whole Rabbit

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews fresh whole rabbit
amazon.com
I know what it’s like to be a feral dog, August 6, 2007
 
Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I’ve feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car’s batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit’s soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen’s parking lot.
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7. JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews tank
amazon.com
Finally, a tank you can trust, December 1, 2005

By: Thomas Dunham 

I’ll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting. Many times in the past I’ve purchased overpriced, so-called “battle tanks”, then driven them into battle only to be wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some insurgents home-made morter.

But not this baby, no way.

This tank R-O-C-K-S! Literally- the 400-watt sound-system keeps me rockin like a crazy man as I’m dishing out justice commando style. Wow. I just can’t say enough. And the kids love it, too- imagine the look of terror in the eyes of the enemy as I’m dropping off my kid’s team to their soccer game. Shock and awe, my friends, SHOCK AND AWE!

I had NAO install the optional GPS-guided white phosphorus missile system, and talk about *SWEET*! Burn baby burn!!!

Oh, it also has plenty of room for groceries, and if you need to like move a loveseat or something it’ll fit if you use a little bungee cord.

The only real negative with this tank is that it shows up on radar a little more than I like (although there is a polyresin graphite stealth model available). Also, the included spare isn’t full size.

Overall, a great tank.

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8. Passion Lubes, Natural Water-Based Lubricant, 55 Gallon Drum

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews lube
amazon.com
Try this at home., June 15, 2013

By: George Takei 

Brad and I will be Grand Marshals at this year’s San Diego Pride Parade, and we were looking for just the right touch to add a bit of pizazz to our appearance. So when we stumbled across the PASSION NATURAL WATER BASED LUBRICANT – 55 GALLON drum, we felt we’d struck gold: “Just enough volume to soak an entire parade of spectators, and yet fits easily in our float.” Double win.

Now, how to spray the lube on the excited on-lookers? Why, by water pump gun, of course. To test out our delivery mechanism, we purchased a drum for our back yard and set up a slip and slide. I had Brad charge toward me down the slide, and I fired at will. It helped to imagine he was a Klingon Bird of Prey: Target that explosion and FIRE.

What I didn’t expect was that Brad’s forward momentum would cause him to crash into me, upending the entire drum along with us. Utter chaos. Our unfortunate cats, who had come out to judge our activities as cats will, were caught in the deluge. Looking like drowned rats, they howled and sped around the yard in hysterical circles, then tried for ten minutes to climb a tree.

Once again, the neighbors thought we’d set something on fire, so the LAFD arrived shortly afterwards. Try explaining any of this to a stranger, especially a hunky one in uniform. “Hose me down?” I offered. He kindly did, then retrieved our cats out of the tree with only minor scratches to the face. (They still aren’t speaking to us, by the way.)

Bottom line, we decided against soaking the Pride Parade revelers lest it create an “incident” that could upstage us entirely. But we do have a great new weekend fun activity.

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9. Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews banana slicer
amazon.com

No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!, March 3, 2011
By: SW3K

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.

Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.

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10. Tuscan Dairy Whole Vitamin D Milk, Gallon, 128 oz

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews milk
amazon.com
Combine with other foods!, August 5, 2006
Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!
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11. Charles Kid Nichols Single Signed Auto Baseball Ball – PSA/DNA Certified – Autographed Baseballs –

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews baseball
amazon.com
The best part is, June 30, 2014

Worth every penny. I couldn’t imagine getting this at such bargain. A full 6% discount. Saved 9700 on this product. The best part is, they are giving Free Shipping as summer time offer.

Bought this immediately. A great thing to play in the park with your dog. Since I had to save a little money for funding my education, I bought a $1.75 cover for this from India.

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews new girl sarcasm
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12. Matias Halfkeyboard USB –

Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews halfkeyboard
amazon.com
A great bard!, April 14, 2013
Das bard es ver gad! A’ve traed et far tree weex ad et werx great! A recabed et ta aw Agazad watcxers! Fave stars!!!
Best of the Worst Heavily Sarcastic Amazon Reviews jim keyboard funny
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These best of the worst heavily sarcastic Amazon reviews had our stomachs hurting and cheeks burning from laughing so hard. If you ever shop on Amazon, please leave a review. Whether it’s serious or not, it’s bound to brighten another shopper’s day.

Reviews courtesy of Amazon.com*

Featured image courtesy of indiegoevents.com*

 

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