There’s no shortage of great heroes. That’s one thing we can certainly agree on thanks to all the superhero movies we’ve seen over the past 10 years. But what about those heroes who don’t make it to the silver screen? We thought we’d put on our detective hats and do some sleuthing to try and uncover some of the truly worst superheroes of all time. Sit back, relax, and prepare yourself for a whole lot of what the f*#@ as we dive into the 7 worst superheroes ever.
Our first fearless hero, hailing from the distant planet Bismoll, is the one and only Matter-Eater Lad. Can you deduce his shocking power? That’s right, he can consume any and all forms of matter. First appearing in Adventure Comics #303 in 1962, this DC Comics character is unique if nothing else. He has been known to eat through prison bars as well as tunnel underground by eating mouthful after mouthful of dirt. Matter-Eater Lad can make anything into a sandwich, even ordinary tools. If that’s not hero material, then what is?
Oh we’re astounded, Arm-Fall-Off Boy, astounded by how a superhero whose powers are exactly as his name implies finagled his way into a DC Comics publication. Sure, with Matter-Eater Lad making the cut the bar was set pretty low, but at least his first appearance came in 1962. Arm-Fall-Off Boy, on the other hand, was first seen in Secret Origins Vol. 2 #46 in 1989. That’s right, only 27 years ago DC released a comic featuring a superhero who could detach his limbs to fight crime. Essentially, Arm-Fall-Off Boy uses his limbs as clubs. This begs the question, why not simply carry a club? That way you have both your arms free to swing it!
A picture is worth a thousand words, which is lucky because this superhero left us confused and speechless. Who is she? Or should we say he? It’s none other than Madam Fatal, a retired millionaire actor who uses his powers of disguise to transform into an elderly lady and fight crime. This character, coming to us all the way from 1940, first appeared in Crack Comics #1. While he may lack any actual superpowers, Madam Fatal is said to be in peak physical condition and has a knack for solving mysteries. Call it woman’s intuition.
Marvel’s New Warriors Annual vol. 1 #3 is quite the impressive title for perhaps the most disappointing superhero to ever grace us with his presence. Hindsight Lad is yet another superhero who completely lacks any powers that could be defined as “super.” In fact, he’s just a regular man in a costume. But Batman is just a man in a suit and he kicks ass! What’s wrong with a costumed hero with no powers? Well that’s certainly true, but Hindsight Lad simply analyzes how events might have turned out if other actions had been taken. There’s no secret lair, no awesome gadgets, and certainly nothing to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. At least he eventually had the hindsight of dropping the “Lad” from his name. Still not the catchiest name, but it’s a step in the right direction.
Just when you thought you’d seen it all, in comes Dogwelder. Is there a more horrific way to fight crime than welding dogs to people’s faces? This is one of those superheroes who really doesn’t have anything super about him. His welding ability is clearly impressive, but we’re not sure that qualifies him to be a superhero. His most redeemable quality is probably that he uses dogs that are already deceased. His first appearance in DC Comics was in Hitman #18, which debuted in 1997. Dogwelder fights crime in Gotham city, trying to clean up the streets the only way he knows how. However, in this case, we think it’s probably a job best left to the Bat.
Color Kid was first introduced in DC Comics’ Adventure Comics #342 in 1966, no doubt inspired by the recent marvel that was color television! Like oh so many before him, Color Kid’s name lacks any sense of creativity. His powers, as you’ve surely deduced, allow him to change the color of any object or person. While pretty useless when it comes to fighting crime, it could be used as a fun party trick to watch people bite into orange slices just to realize they’re actually limes. When even your party tricks are pretty benign, it’s a sign that maybe you aren’t that super of a hero.
Night Girl has super strength rivaled only by the world’s strongest heroes. However, she has one crippling weakness: sunlight, or really any ultra-violet energy for that matter. She was first introduced to us in Adventure Comics #306 in 1963. She hails from a planet that is in perpetual darkness, where her scientist father imbued her with her powers. Consequently, unless it is night or she is in the darkest of shadows, she lacks any extraordinary power. If you happen to be Night Girl’s archenemies we recommend carrying a UV flashlight with you at all times.
Honorable Mention: Cypher
Ok, we couldn’t resist, here’s one more just for good measure. Meet Cypher, from Marvel’s New Mutants #13, issued in March 1984. He can intuitively translate any language or code. A great asset in terms of understanding how to build Ikea furniture, however, not so great in a fight. He’s essentially what you get when you cross the X-Men with C-3PO from Star Wars. A brainiac with an affinity for languages, Cypher eventually does find his place as part of the X-Men, which is why he’s the honorable mention. Eventually, his powers evolve to include body language, allowing him to react to people’s movements more quickly and become great at hand to hand combat. But if we’re going off the original character…then yeah, he’s probably not your first choice to back you up in a fight.
To cap things off we made a chart to show you just how useless these crime fighters really are! Here’s a look at why they are the worst superheroes ever.
Who did we miss? Is there a superhero out there even less deserving of the title? Let us know!